Understanding and managing anger

What is anger? 

Anger is a normal human emotion. It often appears when something feels unfair, frustrating, threatening, disappointing, or when personal boundaries feel crossed. 

Feeling angry is not the problem in itself. Anger becomes difficult when it: 

• happens frequently, 

• feels hard to control, 

• lasts longer than expected, 

• damages relationships, 

• affects work or wellbeing, 

• leads to behaviour you later regret. 

The aim is not to eliminate anger — it is to understand it and respond to it more effectively. 

 

Recognising your own signs of anger 

Anger usually shows up in several ways at once. 

Thoughts 

You may notice: 

• assuming the worst 

• feeling misunderstood 

• focusing on blame 

• replaying situations repeatedly 

• strong “should” or “must” expectations 

Examples: 

• “This isn’t fair.” 

• “They don’t respect me.” 

• “Nobody listens.” 

• “I can’t deal with this.” 

Physical signs 

Your body may respond before you realise you are angry: 

• tense muscles 

• faster heartbeat 

• feeling hot 

• shallow breathing 

• clenched jaw 

• restlessness 

Behaviour changes 

People express anger differently: 

• raising your voice 

• withdrawing or becoming quiet 

• becoming sarcastic 

• avoiding discussion 

• reacting quickly 

• saying things impulsively 

 

The Anger Loop 

Anger often follows a repeating pattern: 

Situation → Interpretation → Physical reaction → Response → Outcome 

Example: 

Message not returned 
↓ 
“They’re ignoring me” 
↓ 
Tension, frustration, energy builds 
↓ 
Send an irritated reply 
↓ 
Relationship becomes strained 

The event itself matters — but how we interpret and respond to it also shapes what happens next. 

 

Common factors that increase anger 

Anger often builds when several pressures combine: 

External pressures 

• deadlines 

• conflict 

• workload 

• family stress 

• financial concerns 

• repeated frustrations 

Internal pressures 

• self-criticism 

• perfectionism 

• unresolved disappointment 

• feeling responsible for everything 

• difficulty expressing needs 

Lifestyle factors 

• poor sleep 

• exhaustion 

• physical discomfort 

• little downtime 

• prolonged stress 

 

Building a healthier response 

1. Notice the early warning signs 

Ask: 

• What does anger feel like in my body? 

• What situations tend to trigger it? 

• What thoughts show up first? 

Awareness creates more opportunity to choose your response. 

2. Slow the physical response 

Try: 

• slowing your breathing 

• moving away briefly if safe 

• stretching or walking 

• reducing stimulation for a few minutes 

The goal is not avoidance — it is creating enough space to think clearly. 

3. Question your first interpretation 

Consider: 

• What else might explain this? 

• Am I assuming intention? 

• What facts do I actually know? 

4. Respond deliberately 

Options may include: 

• asking questions 

• explaining your needs clearly 

• postponing difficult conversations 

• agreeing practical next steps 

 

Problem-solving when anger is linked to stress 

If anger seems connected to a real problem: 

1. Define the issue clearly 
    

2. List possible responses 
    

3. Choose one realistic next action 
    

4. Review what worked 

Small progress often reduces emotional pressure. 

 

Reflection Exercise 

Think of a recent situation: 

What happened? 
_________________ 

What did I think? 
_________________ 

What did I feel physically? 
_________________ 

What did I do? 
_________________ 

What could I try differently next time? 
_________________ 

 

When additional support may help 

Consider seeking support if anger: 

• regularly affects relationships, 

• leads to regret or conflict, 

• feels difficult to control, 

• is becoming more frequent, 

• exists alongside anxiety, stress, or low mood. 

Support may include speaking with a manager, wellbeing service, GP, or a mental health professional.  

 

This page provides general wellbeing information and is not a substitute for clinical assessment or treatment. 

Worksheets: 

Anger Diary  

Behavior Chain Analysis 

Coping Skills: Anger 

Anger Iceberg 

Podcasts: 

The Age of Rage - The Wisdom Track | Podcast on Spotify  

Welcome To The Anger Secrets Podcast! 

 

Websites: 

• Get help with anger - NHS  

• When is anger a problem? | Mental health problems | Mind 

• The British Association of Anger Management  

• West Space | Anger 

• Understanding and reducing the impact of anger | Help For Heroes (has a link to a self guided course) 

• ADHD Rage and Anger: Understanding Emotional Outbursts in Adults - ADDA - Attention Deficit Disorder Association 

• Coping with anger | CALM  

Books: 

• Anger management for Everyone Second Edition (10 proven strategies that help you control your anger and live a happier life) Anger Management for Everyone: Ten Proven Strategies to Help You Control Anger and Live a Happier Life: Tafrate PhD, Raymond Chip, Kassinove PhD ABPP, Howard, McKay PhD, Matthew: 9781684032266: Amazon.com: Books  

 

Apps: 

• ‎AIMS for Anger Management App - App Store (had been designed for veterans/military service members but can be used by anyone coping with anger management – has skills online self help course – anger tracking – managing angry reactions – FREE)